Wow, it has been while since I last posted on here. It just shows the capacity I have for having great intentions of doing something and then never following up on it. However, the last few months I have been desiring to be an encouragement to others, so much so that my mind is overwhelmed with thoughts and decided today, that I would begin to write again.
First though I have to lay the groundwork of an amazing transformation that God has been and is doing in my heart. This is the first time I have actually sat down and thought through this amazing journey I have been on with the Lord, and I wanted you to come along with me. In it I hope you will be encouraged, be challenged, and seek God in your walk with Him.
The last five years have been foundation shaking. Everything that I thought I knew and had been taught about God came crashing down around me, and it sent me reeling. While I am not saying everything I was taught was wrong, but much of it was taught in ignorance of Scripture.
I have been in church for a long time, knew all the right words to use, knew how to conduct myself, and thought for the most part I was a good person. I knew that I was covered by God's grace and that He loved me, oh so much and it didn't matter what I did--I could be secure in God's grace even when I was being willfully disobedient to his Word or what I thought I knew of His Word. It didn't matter, His grace covered it all. I was so conflicted though, as though there was a disconnect. I began asking God to reveal to me what the disconnect was and He answered that prayer and used one of the most horrific events to bring to light, the issue of my own heart.
In Feb 2015, I saw the photos of 21 Egyptian Christians, kneeling on a beach, being demanded by ISIS fighters to denounce Christ and pledge their allegiance to Islam. They refused and were beheaded for their profession of Christ. I was horrified that this was happening for the world to see. I knew Christians were being slaughtered for their faith in Christ, but to see it in real time happening, it left me horrified and so saddened. I couldn't get those 21 men out of my mind. I was incredulous to see such commitment and such courage. As you can imagine, the disconnect I was feeling was heightened to a new level. I began asking myself 2 questions. The first question that I asked was what made those 21 men so committed to Christ that they would not denounce Him even if they died, and if I was in that same position would I be as courageous? Those questions haunted me for weeks. I prayed and I sought counsel from other Christians in my life, but nothing brought me peace.
A few weeks later, after many tears and much angst, I had to admit to myself that I don't think I would have been as committed. This then brought me to a crisis of faith like I have never experienced before. I loved Jesus, and knew He died for me, so why wasn't I committed to Him as I should have been?
In the following months this realization was ever present in the back of my mind and actually caused me to work even harder at being a good Christian. The problem was I never really did feel like I was good enough and I was on an emotional roller coaster of believing I was saved when in my estimation I was doing the right things and not so convinced when I was not. Oh the angst that was going on my heart! I was on the verge of desperation and was ready to walk away from faith altogether.
But God. Those two words are the lifeline I hang onto these days. God had never left me, and He knew exactly what He was doing and where He was leading me. During this time 2 things happened, that I know was orchestrated by God. Cary and I actually were walking through some financial issues at the time. A friend of ours was walking his own dark road and it was decided that Cary and I would move in with him, not only to help him financially, but that it would be financial help to us also.
I smile now when I think back to this time. I know it was a dark time for he and his wife at the time, but God was going to use him for good even in the midst of his own trouble.
This friend was an Christian apologist. He was concerned with scripture and doctrine and making sure that the Bible was taught correctly. He was a Reformer at heart. I had been in charismatic churches my entire Christian walk, and when I thought about the reformers I thought they were very pharisaical and that their advocacy for doctrine brought disunity and division to the church. That thought was never explicitly taught in the churches I was in, but as I look back it was there in all of its subtle forms.
During this time, he introduced me to the Five Solas--Scripture Alone, Christ Alone, Faith Alone, Grace Alone, and For the Glory of God Alone. Learning what these 5 solas were and not only what they mean but what they mean for Christians everywhere has been life-changing! I will get to these in another post, to due them the justice they deserve. Suffice to say, God was still shaking my foundation and the next event would be the thing that would totally destroy the lies that I had built my faith on, send me into a crisis of faith, but also begin change my heart.
One day Kristina and I were watching funny You Tube videos. We had been watching for a couple of hours laughing and just enjoying our time together. At this point I have to interject, that God in His mercy and wisdom, had also been working in Kristina's heart and she was on her own journey to find Truth. As we were watching a video, another video popped up on our feed. It was titled "Strange Fire Conference Q & A." I noticed that it was being hosted by John MacArthur. Since I was 18, I had been listening to John MacArthur on the radio. I liked listening to him, but I did think that he was a bit dogmatic about things. So I always listened and took the things I agreed with him, and just threw out those things that I didn't agree with. Kristina clicked on the video and we began to watch it. It was a video talking about why and what was being taught incorrectly in the charismatic churches. Both Krissy and I looked at each other, surprised and instantly defensive, but continued watching it. As we listened to each member on the panel, we were watching the face of this one pastor. They had been talking about how the Holy Spirit was being misused and and how what they were seeing in various churches was not Biblical. As we both sat their, Kristina pointed out the grief on the face of one of the pastors-Tom Pennington. He was clearly distressed about the state of the church and it caught both of us off guard. Later that night, Kristina began to research this pastor, and came across his church's website. On that website, she found messages he had done, and she began listening to them. She told me, "Mom, you have to listen to this pastor!" She sent me a link to his series about the Hallmarks of a Biblical Church. This was also timely as we had been church hunting, because at this point we realized that I wanted to be in a church that preached Jesus and Jesus alone.
From that day, we have never looked back. (Kristina has her own story to tell and I hoping that one day she will share from her heart.) I left the charismatic church and have found a home in a reformed church that preaches the full counsel of Scripture. Since, God has been the restoring and rebuilding t my foundation of faith. I have grown exponentially in my faith in the past two years. I attribute that change to truly understanding the full counsel of scripture, truly understanding the depravity of my own soul, truly understanding the Holiness of God, truly understanding the Sovereignty of God, and truly understanding the cost and magnitude of Jesus' sacrifice on my behalf. How precious is the cross!
Understanding all of that, has made me love Jesus so much more than I have ever loved him. I can honestly say that now I understand the courage of those 21 Christian martyrs. It wasn't courage at all that kept them from denouncing Jesus, it was their love for Him. I understand that love now. I understand that if the time comes for me to stand for Christ or die, I willingly choose Christ. Jesus said those who were willing to lose their lives for His sake (and He is not just talking about physical loss of life but be willing to submit totally to Him in life also) that we would find our life. What a glorious truth!
Testimonies are meant to point to Christ and to give all glory to God. I was once lost, but now I am found! I am so thankful to God for Jesus and for the love and care He has shown me in this walk I have been on for the past 35 years. His patience and His goodness is overwhelming at times. For all my brothers and sisters in Christ I pray that the truth of Ephesians 1:14-21 will become tangible and real in each of your lives:
For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, 16 I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. 17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength 20 he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21 far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come..
In Jesus Precious' Name, Amen.
